comfy ≠ perfect: don't polish away your messiness 🧦

authentic fulfillment doesn't always look shiny on the outside but it feels shiny on the inside. it's content without being self-absorbed. it feels like enough. 🏩

“You smell like lavender dreams”,
the blanket whispers longingly.

“I KNOW I’M SO GAY.”

“Your hair is full of stories”,
the pillow affirms me softly.

“LET’S GO TO THE BEACH!”,
the ceiling, floor and corners shout.

“There is no beach where I live”,
I sigh as if they don’t know already.

My room pretends not to know me. It does so whenever it’s upset with me and wants more of my attention. I get it. I’ve been unnecessarily distracted. I’ve treated my room like it’s invisible. Only focusing on the creative projects I need to finish. Falling into bed like I’m falling into a coma. Not even saying thank you for being kept alive.

Sorry, roomie, please forgive me.

I’m listening.

An authentic mess I made. I’m practicing being messy. The truth is that whenever I’m comfy, I’m messy. It doesn’t always look good but it can feel quite good when I let the worries go: the guilt, the fear, the judgment, the anxiety. It feels good only when I let go of the idea that I need to clean immediately. Cleaning can wait. I need to sit in the mess: the dirty dishes, the scattered laundry, the missed deadlines. Sit. Like I have all the time in the world to rest. Sit. Like my room loves me back. 🏩

After waiting as long as others wait to have a baby — nine months that could have been eighteen — I’m going to finally find out about my autism diagnosis result. So, these might be the last hours of me not having an autism diagnosis, let’s see, but I want to keep the spirit of what I learned from being an undiagnosed autistic person. You can read an essay I wrote on this for the magazine Improper Dose here.

Without starting Mixed Magic, I would have never been published in this magazine. I’m so grateful. It’s an opportunity that feels deeply in alignment with my values. I first learned about Improper Walls — the multidisciplinary art platform behind the magazine — when one of their collaborative exhibitions got censored for simply mentioning the words Palestine and Lebanon. They were scratched off the wall. Read the poem that was written as a response to this censorship here.

Being creative purely because you desire to — not knowing where it’s going to lead — is absolutely worth it. Do you want to go on a comfy creative journey with me?

I’m sitting on my bed with a toothbrush in my mouth as I’m writing this. I’m airdrying my hair, as I usually do, because I don’t have a hairdryer. I need to wake up early tomorrow for my Portuguese classes to which I’ve been late every single day. I’ve been craving writing you again because I love writing this newsletter so much. I’m wondering how I can wear all of my different hats without wearing out.